Filed under: Anger and Conflict
Welcome to LifeWay’s blog on marriage! Glad you’ve joined us. This is going to be fun. Fun for you because it’ll have some really practical stuff on how to make your marriage better – wherever it is today. A challenge for me, however, because I’m going to try to keep it be short. (NOTE: Please hold me to that. Let me know if it gets too long. Sometimes the readers of my stuff just don’t read quickly enough 
Anyway, let’s get started with a classic issue in marriages: anger and conflict. Remember these FOUR principles when arguing/fussing/fighting, etc. with your mate:
Anger does not make your marriage weird. It makes it normal. I’ve always said that anger is not necesarily a sign of an unhealthy marriage; rather, it’s a sign that you and your mate both have a pulse. It is not a matter of if, but when the anger occurs, what will you do with it?
Chill first. Don’t try to “argue through” the conflict. Working with your mate to resolve a conflict can actually bring you closer together on the other side, but not if you are still emotionally hot when you talk. Imagine a husband about to leave for a few minutes to cool off before they discuss their conflict, and the wife says in her angriest and most vicious tone, “You come right back here. We are going to solve this issue RIGHT NOW and we’re going to be a lot closer when we are through!” Yeah, right.
Instead, tell your mate you are angry and then “go to your corners”. Take a 5-10 minute break. Can’t wait that long? Count to 10. Do something 1) to keep from snapping back at the last hateful thing your mate said; and 2) to lower the emotional level so you don’t say things in the heat of the moment you’ll regret later.
Discuss, don’t blame. Talk about how you feel, not what he did. Talk about how you saw the situation, not how stupid she is. No cheap shots here. They are simply and completely unproductive. (And if you have read this far, you are looking for some productivity in your conflicts!)
Finally, pray about what kind of conflict manager you are. You as an individual. How can you improve as one-half of this conflict-handling team? For example, do you make your mate feel confident enough in this relationship to disagree with you? (You need his/her honesty whether that is agreeing with you or not.) Ask God to show you how you can do this anger thing better with your mate.
The anger aspect of marriage represents by far the biggest area of growth in our own marriage, so I could go on and on. I won’t though, because I don’t want a lot of responses saying your first blog was “too long”!
But do me this favor: let me know what the most challenging part of anger and conflict in your marriage?
