Filed under: Communication
Got to try something recently that I’ve wanted to do all of my life – and would have “weenied out” had it not been for Selma, my encouraging (insistent) wife. I took a 2-hour surfing lesson. On an overdue anniversary trip to Hawaii (our first, but aren’t all trips to Hawaii overdue?), I found myself in Hanalei Bay with a 12-foot surfboard. My instructor is the current long board surfing world champion. Just him and me. He was much more confident than I was that I could catch a wave.
This is what I saw myself doing.
This is closer to what I was actually doing most of the time!
The instructor was great and the whole experience was amazing. It was actually a little easier than I had imagined. In fact, I actually rode a 10 foot wave for about 45-50 seconds! Thought I was ready for the pipeline!
Chris, my teacher, mentioned that the 10-12 foot waves we were dealing with in Hanalei Bay had actually begun with storms in the Aleutian Islands – around four to seven days earlier! “You know they’re coming,” he said. ”You just gotta be ready for them.”
The holidays are on the way. “You know they’re coming. You just gotta be ready for them.” So how does a marriage get ready for the excitement, but the pressure, the stress and the energy demands of the holiday season?
In advance, perhaps just after Thanksgiving, get with your mate to anticipate together what “waves” are coming your way in the next few weeks.
Consider these items for your “Planning Meeting Agenda”:
* Get the calendar. Recording dates on your family (and professional) calendars will help you “define” what this season looks like for you and your family. Does it look impossible? Getting parties, out-of-town family visits, etc. on the calendar might show that you need to make some adjustments here and there.
* Don’t exchange gifts at this point, but do exchange expectations. Put everything on the table. Are you anticipating some alone time during this season? How much ball do you plan to watch? Are shopping responsibilities clear? How long do you think we need to stay at mom’s this year?
* Share the one thing you need from your mate this holiday season. It could be support at certain events. Or let’s do some of the shopping together. Or it could be a hug and an ‘I love you’ each day. A wife might share how she wants to grow spiritually. A husband might say he needs them not to forget about sex during the holidays. (A little help with the shopping might make that one more possible!)
* Plan a date each holiday week. Sound tough? I’ll make it harder for you. It doesn’t have to be expensive, but it doesn’t need to include Christmas shopping. A dinner or maybe just lunch. A slow walk around the block, all bundled up, could suffice one week. In the midst of the craziness, you need to feed your marriage. The connection and encouragement from your time together will give you confidence in your relationship and improve your holiday attitude.
Remember, the object is not merely to “survive” the Christmas season anymore than the object of marriage is to merely keep from divorcing. Christmas is supposed to be a joyful time. It is the celebration of the birth of our Lord! A few minutes of advance planning by couples can avoid some stress while making your family’s holiday activities more manageable – and more meaningful.
And yes, marriage can more than survive the holidays. A marriage can become richer in this season with just a little planning and dating. You know they’re coming. Let’s get ready!
Imagine a man and woman getting married, say, in the 1920’s. Let’s say they were both virgins when they married. On their wedding night they had sex. Afterwards the new husband thinks to himself, “That wasn’t quite what I thought it would be. But she didn’t say anything. I guess it’s good for her.”
At the same time, she is thinking, “That was nothing that I thought it would be. It would probably be better – and I think I’d like it better if we did this or that. But I guess that’s the way he likes it so I guess it’s okay.”
There’s a lot of “guess work” going on, isn’t there?
Now, fast forward with me to this century. It is all too often that the same scenario exists. Couples just don’t talk about how their sex life is going. There is still too much guess work involved. And the guess work needs to be removed. Guess work means assumptions. Assuming is always – ALWAYS – dangerous in a marriage, especially when it comes to sex.
In a book my wife (Selma) and I wrote called Extraordinary Marriage we say that there are two levels of sexual intimacy: 1) the physical act; and 2)talking about how the physical act is going.
The latter is the deeper level. It’s the riskier. The more personal. Where you are even more vulnerable than having sex. It’s delicate territory alright, so tread softly, but do tread. You need to go there as a couple to make sure – AND NOT ASSUME – that each of you are enjoying this part of your life together. Here’s how you go there:
- Talk about what you like about your sex together. What’s going right about it? Affirm your marriage team for the positive in this area. Both of you get comfortable with the topic before going farther. Then,
- Look at what you think you two need to work on. Is it the foreplay? Is something painful? Are you not ready for something yet? Need to go slower in an area? What needs your attention?
Here is another view of how to bring up the topic of sex to your mate. Complete these sentences:
We do this well …
We need to work on this …
I need this from you …
Ask God to give you the courage and the articulation to talk with your mate about this critical part of your relationship.
Back to our early 1920 honeymooners for a moment. Our ficticious couple died in 1995. It was sad because thay never talked about their sex life. Throughout their 75 year marriage, each was only partly satisfied sexually because they assumed through the decades that the love they made with each other was what their mate enjoyed.
Thank God that was only fiction …. wasn’t it?
Make sure it’s fiction in your own marriage. Talk about your sex life together. The Creator of sex – God Himself – wants you to enjoy it to the max. It’s a gift from Him. Take care of the gift.
Filed under: Communication
I was reading recently in John 15 where Jesus tells us to “remain” in Him. At first glance that sounds like He is asking us to get our relationship with Him right and then freeze – in perfect equilibrium. However, what I see Him saying is “keep Me in the picture of your life and where it is going. Stay connected to Me. I made you and this whole world . Whatever I – or life – throw at you, it’s gonna be better if you are close to me.”
Lots of applications here of course. Try this one. A walk with the Lord has to be dynamic and alive. Your relationship with Christ is like riding a bike. If you are not moving forward you will fall down (unless you’re one of those Olympic hot shots trying to spoil my analogy).
And the marriage app? It’s a great parallel. Remain in each other. Not perfectly mind you. Perfect marriages don’t exist this side of heaven. But as you move through this life, move together. Stay connected. Keep each other in the picture of your life and where it is going.
It is incredibly easy to drift away from your mate. The easiest way is to do nothing.
Rather than doing nothing, here are 3 ”somethings” to help you remain in each other as your life and marriage unfold:
- Have a feelings check. “What are you feeling right now?” In your struggles or in times of celebration, in sickness or in health, in pepperoni or sausage, etc. (sorry) - in whatever state of mind you are in - let your mate know where you are. No judging the feelings at this point. Just the facts, mam. Sharing what’s going on inside of you can keep you close.
- Hold a ‘State of the Union’ address. “How are we doing?” Talk about how the marriage is going. Does that scare you? It’s simply sharing how you think you two are getting along. Are we communicating well? Do we argue without verbally destroying each other? Are you good with how our sex life is going? Are we still dating – without the kids?
- Create a ‘dreamscape’ together. ”Where would you like us to go?” Take some time to venture into the future. Dream some together. This can be fantasy time [What would you do if you won $50 million? Where in the world would you like to go on vacation for six weeks?] – or it can be praying and deciding together what you two would like to accomplish in the next two years. How about setting a goal to save up and go on that special trip or purchase that certain piece of furniture? Dreaming keeps you future-focused marriage and can connect you as the marriage team moves forward.
Note: There are no time limits on these connecting points. A feelings check can take a minute while you may set aside a full weekend getaway for a dreamscape. The point is to periocially spend time with each other, fighting the pull of life that can cause you to drift.
Finally, stay connected with the Lord. Let the Creator of your marriage guide you as you remain in Him, and each other.
More about John 15 later.
