Imagine a man and woman getting married, say, in the 1920’s. Let’s say they were both virgins when they married. On their wedding night they had sex. Afterwards the new husband thinks to himself, “That wasn’t quite what I thought it would be. But she didn’t say anything. I guess it’s good for her.”
At the same time, she is thinking, “That was nothing that I thought it would be. It would probably be better – and I think I’d like it better if we did this or that. But I guess that’s the way he likes it so I guess it’s okay.”
There’s a lot of “guess work” going on, isn’t there?
Now, fast forward with me to this century. It is all too often that the same scenario exists. Couples just don’t talk about how their sex life is going. There is still too much guess work involved. And the guess work needs to be removed. Guess work means assumptions. Assuming is always – ALWAYS – dangerous in a marriage, especially when it comes to sex.
In a book my wife (Selma) and I wrote called Extraordinary Marriage we say that there are two levels of sexual intimacy: 1) the physical act; and 2)talking about how the physical act is going.
The latter is the deeper level. It’s the riskier. The more personal. Where you are even more vulnerable than having sex. It’s delicate territory alright, so tread softly, but do tread. You need to go there as a couple to make sure – AND NOT ASSUME – that each of you are enjoying this part of your life together. Here’s how you go there:
- Talk about what you like about your sex together. What’s going right about it? Affirm your marriage team for the positive in this area. Both of you get comfortable with the topic before going farther. Then,
- Look at what you think you two need to work on. Is it the foreplay? Is something painful? Are you not ready for something yet? Need to go slower in an area? What needs your attention?
Here is another view of how to bring up the topic of sex to your mate. Complete these sentences:
We do this well …
We need to work on this …
I need this from you …
Ask God to give you the courage and the articulation to talk with your mate about this critical part of your relationship.
Back to our early 1920 honeymooners for a moment. Our ficticious couple died in 1995. It was sad because thay never talked about their sex life. Throughout their 75 year marriage, each was only partly satisfied sexually because they assumed through the decades that the love they made with each other was what their mate enjoyed.
Thank God that was only fiction …. wasn’t it?
Make sure it’s fiction in your own marriage. Talk about your sex life together. The Creator of sex – God Himself – wants you to enjoy it to the max. It’s a gift from Him. Take care of the gift.
