Imagine a man and woman getting married, say, in the 1920’s. Let’s say they were both virgins when they married. On their wedding night they had sex. Afterwards the new husband thinks to himself, “That wasn’t quite what I thought it would be. But she didn’t say anything. I guess it’s good for her.”
At the same time, she is thinking, “That was nothing that I thought it would be. It would probably be better – and I think I’d like it better if we did this or that. But I guess that’s the way he likes it so I guess it’s okay.”
There’s a lot of “guess work” going on, isn’t there?
Now, fast forward with me to this century. It is all too often that the same scenario exists. Couples just don’t talk about how their sex life is going. There is still too much guess work involved. And the guess work needs to be removed. Guess work means assumptions. Assuming is always – ALWAYS – dangerous in a marriage, especially when it comes to sex.
In a book my wife (Selma) and I wrote called Extraordinary Marriage we say that there are two levels of sexual intimacy: 1) the physical act; and 2)talking about how the physical act is going.
The latter is the deeper level. It’s the riskier. The more personal. Where you are even more vulnerable than having sex. It’s delicate territory alright, so tread softly, but do tread. You need to go there as a couple to make sure – AND NOT ASSUME – that each of you are enjoying this part of your life together. Here’s how you go there:
- Talk about what you like about your sex together. What’s going right about it? Affirm your marriage team for the positive in this area. Both of you get comfortable with the topic before going farther. Then,
- Look at what you think you two need to work on. Is it the foreplay? Is something painful? Are you not ready for something yet? Need to go slower in an area? What needs your attention?
Here is another view of how to bring up the topic of sex to your mate. Complete these sentences:
We do this well …
We need to work on this …
I need this from you …
Ask God to give you the courage and the articulation to talk with your mate about this critical part of your relationship.
Back to our early 1920 honeymooners for a moment. Our ficticious couple died in 1995. It was sad because thay never talked about their sex life. Throughout their 75 year marriage, each was only partly satisfied sexually because they assumed through the decades that the love they made with each other was what their mate enjoyed.
Thank God that was only fiction …. wasn’t it?
Make sure it’s fiction in your own marriage. Talk about your sex life together. The Creator of sex – God Himself – wants you to enjoy it to the max. It’s a gift from Him. Take care of the gift.
Filed under: Trust
I’ve been doing marriage counseling for 95 years. Okay, quite a while. One of my most profound observations is the immense value of trust in the marital relationship. It’s absolutely vital! I am convinced that – other than the Lord – trust is the most important factor in a marriage.
Think about it. If a wife cannot believe her husband, even an “I love you” is in question. He comes home 45 minutes late from work due to an actual traffic jam and she immediately suspects an affair. This couple hasn’t gotten to first base in a healthy marriage.
Trust is essential or your marriage can only go so far. And however far that is, it is woefully short of where God wants your marriage to be.
Let’s look at three different facets of trust vital to a healthy marriage:
- Integrity. Keeping your word. Doing what you say. This pattern of behavior either develops or tears down credibility. And intimacy. And love. And the marriage. You’ve got to be “believable”. It the very essence of trust.
- Consistency. Being reliable. Dependable. Some call this being “faithful”. The cool thing about building trust is that time is on your side. The longer you are consistent, the more reliable you become to your spouse. And you build up a solid track record. Then, when the traffic jam does happen, your mate will be able to give you the benefit of a doubt because of your normal pattern of consistency.
- Fidelity. Keeping only unto him/her. Forsaking all others. You know the words from your own wedding service.
Here are two kinds of fidelity:
- Sexual fidelity – When one mate is not sexually “fidel” (new word?), an immediate shattering of trust results. However, two married people who are making love only to each other – but they are making love – the trust has potential to grow and grow.
- Social fidelity – Showing that your mate is priority over everyone else but the Lord Himself. When you said “forsaking all others” it meant all others. That includes former boy/girlfriends, parents family, etc. Not that you never again speak to family members. They are just no longer the social priority in your life. When your spouse sees that you are serious about your priorities, security and trust will spring up.
Note that none of these ideas are especially difficult to do. Rather, it is the cumulation of many little things that often builds trust. As the Swahili proverb goes, “Drop by drop, the bucket fills.” So build trust in your mate – drop by drop.
We will indeed talk more about various aspects of trust later. It is a ‘super soapbox’ of mine. May the Lord help you to see the significance of daily building a few more ‘drops of trust’ in your mate – for His glory.
Filed under: Communication
I was reading recently in John 15 where Jesus tells us to “remain” in Him. At first glance that sounds like He is asking us to get our relationship with Him right and then freeze – in perfect equilibrium. However, what I see Him saying is “keep Me in the picture of your life and where it is going. Stay connected to Me. I made you and this whole world . Whatever I – or life – throw at you, it’s gonna be better if you are close to me.”
Lots of applications here of course. Try this one. A walk with the Lord has to be dynamic and alive. Your relationship with Christ is like riding a bike. If you are not moving forward you will fall down (unless you’re one of those Olympic hot shots trying to spoil my analogy).
And the marriage app? It’s a great parallel. Remain in each other. Not perfectly mind you. Perfect marriages don’t exist this side of heaven. But as you move through this life, move together. Stay connected. Keep each other in the picture of your life and where it is going.
It is incredibly easy to drift away from your mate. The easiest way is to do nothing.
Rather than doing nothing, here are 3 “somethings” to help you remain in each other as your life and marriage unfold:
- Have a feelings check. “What are you feeling right now?” In your struggles or in times of celebration, in sickness or in health, in pepperoni or sausage, etc. (sorry) – in whatever state of mind you are in – let your mate know where you are. No judging the feelings at this point. Just the facts, mam. Sharing what’s going on inside of you can keep you close.
- Hold a ‘State of the Union’ address. “How are we doing?” Talk about how the marriage is going. Does that scare you? It’s simply sharing how you think you two are getting along. Are we communicating well? Do we argue without verbally destroying each other? Are you good with how our sex life is going? Are we still dating – without the kids?
- Create a ‘dreamscape’ together. “Where would you like us to go?” Take some time to venture into the future. Dream some together. This can be fantasy time [What would you do if you won $50 million? Where in the world would you like to go on vacation for six weeks?] – or it can be praying and deciding together what you two would like to accomplish in the next two years. How about setting a goal to save up and go on that special trip or purchase that certain piece of furniture? Dreaming keeps you future-focused marriage and can connect you as the marriage team moves forward.
Note: There are no time limits on these connecting points. A feelings check can take a minute while you may set aside a full weekend getaway for a dreamscape. The point is to periocially spend time with each other, fighting the pull of life that can cause you to drift.
Finally, stay connected with the Lord. Let the Creator of your marriage guide you as you remain in Him, and each other.
More about John 15 later.
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